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Baby, don't say goodbye.

about me.
Hello, I am theo:)


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Monday, February 23, 2009 { 5:58 AM }

theodora has grown a little more through this incident. physically and metally, i guess i am a little stronger than before.


it's time for me to move on in life.

Friday, February 20, 2009 { 3:30 AM }

if you happen to read this, this post is dedicated for you:

i have been bottling up my thoughts and feelings for such a long time i finally mustered that courage to talk to all of you. i thought of just pretending nothing has happened and just get on with my live, but because you all meant a lot to me i cannot pretend that i don't feel what i am feeling. i cannot hide from you all all the time. that is because i don't want our friendship to end this way. i think i made the wrong choice to talk to you all. i should have kept quiet. anyways, what harm will it do if i kept everything to myself right? no harm. you won't get hurt, he won't get angry. but this has been bugging me day and night. i couldn't find anyone that understand how i feel. i was totally miserable i dread seeing you all. you all are always happy..and when i was down, you all didn't understand why i was down and how i felt. even someone not very close to me can come and say a few words of comfort you all completely just act as though i have no feelings. i don't need you all to know the reason behind it. just a word of encouragement will do. just by saying, "hey, i'll always be there for you if you need me ok?" alone will make me feel that you all care. maybe this sentence could have resolved all these feelings i had for you all. i don't need you all to do big things for me. actually it is these little actions that show me you all care, not big ones that show me as though you all care. you all always claim that you all have tried talking to me. but i never received any messages nor phone calls from you all. you all never approached me. i should have guess it. you all don't need a person like me as friend anyways. i am stupid, sensitive, introvert and i am not popular as you all are. i am not worth your friendship. sorry for being so thick skinned to think that you all have always regarded me as one of your closer friends. i am so sorry i have been such a burden to you, causing you shame and making you all disgusted. it is a correct choice to ignore me from then. i understand everything now. i am sorry for this afternoon's heart to heart talk and i promise none of this will happen ever again. i won't waste all of your time anymore. thank you for once being my friend. at least that is what i think. thank you for being so nice to me. i treated you all as one of my better friends even if you didn't think the same of me. thank you once again.




Dear Angel,
please take me away with you . i am willing to following you where ever you go as long as you will take me away from here. my heart ached so much it felt as though it would break into two. i guess the only way to heal me is to take me away.





the old me is dead and gone. nobody will ever scar my heart of stone.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 { 6:14 AM }

i miss you.
i miss those times when i had someone to talk to about troubles i faced in school and with my friends.
i miss those times when i told you who i hated and you would make me feel so much better by telling me how bad those people were.
i miss those times when you mocked at my choices.
i miss those times we spent our day watching videos we borrowed.
i miss those times when we went to buy lunch after school.
i miss those times when we comforted each other and encouraged each other.
i miss those times we quarrelled and then after a day or two, become good friends again.
i miss you terribly.
i find life so much harder without you. unknowingly, i became so attached to you. even if i denied that i will miss you, i am missing you right now. it has been quite some time and yet, i am unable to put the past down and move on. almost everyday, i think about the past and dread living in the future. until now i am still living in the past. but somethings made me realise people change. the things around us are changing all the time. why do i still hope for me to go back to the past? why am i so stupid?
i havent changed. i havent at all. it is you people who have changed. why do you people always think that the problem lies with me. all the while i have been there. you people were with me there. but now, i guess you all have chosen to move on without me. i stood there watching your backs turn and leave together, and i am all alone standing there. why do i choose to isolate myself and turn hostile towards you people? cant you see, now i am filled with hatred, anger, fear and loneliness. why cant you people see. yea. i guess you think i have gone mad. indeed, i am a changed person. as i told you people, a scar will always be left even if the wound is healed. i told you all so, but you all didnt want to believe. now, you all just cut right through that scar and left another bigger wound. and i wonder when this can heal. i am sorry, maybe i am not worth to be your friend. you need someone who is outspoken, enthusiastic, fun, loud..but hey, you all know i am not like that. if you all really treat me as a friend, you will accept me no matter what i am. but i guess, i am just too lousy for you all to accept me at all. sorry for wasting all of your precious time and effort trying to change me. i guess i can never be changed anyways. old habits die hard. i am theodora kaur and i love being who i am.



i am like the devil among the angels, the dirt on a patch of snow, the worm among a group of butterfly..i guess, you will understand.

Friday, February 13, 2009 { 2:59 AM }

today's friendship day. is it suppose to be a day where friends express love and gratitude? but i just thought it's suppose to be like that. well, i guess i am wrong. i have set too high an expectation, wishing too much from people. but time just made all of us drift apart. you may think that i am irritating because to you i, i am someone who is throwing tantrum at you for nothing. but hey, have you remembered me? have you considered me in at least some things you do? hahaas. it's ok(: i am fine. i'm used to people hating me. i just found out how many people hate me. or maybe, i already found that out long time ago, it's just that all the time, i'm living in denial. thanks for letting me realise that i'm such horrible pest.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 { 4:59 AM }

Dear you:

hello. sometimes i think that i am just one of your tools. someone whom you can make use of. i've tried treating you as a friend. yet, time and again you made me realise i can never be right. i understand sometimes it is hard on you. always trying so hard to be accepted. but have you thought of the feelings of others? maybe why you always had to try so hard is because you have never considered how your words or action might just hurt another person. stop trying to stab someone and then find ways to heal that wound. many times when a wound heals, it will leave a scar. i guess maybe you have seen through me. maybe you have already guessed what kind of person i am-timid, dont like to voice up and always keeps to myself. but well, you havent seen the other side of me. i am a very sensitive person. my feelings of strong and hate is very strong. i hope you'll see this soon. stop acting like you are oh-so-great and that you know everything. you know what? actually you don't know that much yet. there are reasons why i do certain things and don't do certain things. unlike you, i do things for a reason. you, only has reasons for running away from things.

i would greatly appreciate if you could just stop.

thanks.

from
theodora.





i don't want to always be the one. anyways, thank you to people who understood what i was going through and how it felt(:

Sunday, February 08, 2009 { 7:12 AM }

yesterday marked the end of orientation. finally. finally after 6 days of waking up early and taking taxi to school, life is back to normal. but..not quite the normal though. there are many changes. changes that i dont know because it is going to happen i guess. the school is much more lively with the j1s and it just felt weird with us being the seniors of the school. looking at the orientation video, it felt as though i just came into mj yesterday.
orientation made me realise a lot of things. i learnt that i shouldnt take things for granted and that i should treasure everything around me because the relationship between people is so vulnerable it could just break anytime. all the while i thought i wanted to hate, but now, i found out that maybe i was wrong to hate. i should love instead because i all these while i have had the wrong thinkings. i thought it didnt matter but deep inside i should have known i was lying to myself. i should have known all i wanted was to be part of it. i should have understood how much all these meant to me. right now, slowly i feel as though i am being accepted. i felt a sense of belonging. thanks to all of you.







i was so scared when everything just happened so fast i almost thought it was just another nightmare. indeed it was a nightmare. but it's a nightmare that happened for real.